Hey, I've never seen the sun come up in the West!

We spent Christmas in Williamsburg. It was very good to get away from the house and from reminders of Merlin. By Friday, Teach had stopped crying and was feeling guilty for it. I tried to tell him that it's a natural progression and he shouldn't feel guilty. We had a tough time when we realized that Merlin's body was being cremated that day.

We drove down to Williamsburg on Saturday. Whew! What a drive! We got stuck in terrible holiday traffic on I95 between DC and Richmond. Sucked, big time.

The place where we stayed was great, though. Fireplace, terrace, jacuzzi. We had a fire every night we were there. The bed sucked but we survived. We felt guilty leaving Isabella alone for so long and ended up coming home on Thursday, rather than Saturday. But that was okay. We turned the place over to my brother and a "friend" and I think they enjoyed it. My brother spent several days with us and it was really great to see him.

I'll post more later...

Aftermath

Teach can't stop crying.

It feels like forever since we lost Merlin but it hasn't even been 72 hours yet. How can that be?

Teach asks me to take the pictures away and then, when I turn my back, he pulls them out again and starts crying.

He asks to see videos and starts crying before I even get it on.

He tells me that he can't find Merlin. That nothing smells like Merlin anymore. He says we should have waited, we should have let the medicince do its work, that we should have let the vet work on him.

He feels guilty. He's heart-broken. He's devestated. He's bereft.

I can't help him.

I want him to stop. I want him to suck it up. I want him to stop crying. I want him to let go.

I don't ask him to do any of this. I tell him "I know." I tell him "He's better now." I tell him "We hurt because we loved him so much." I tell him "He hated vets." I tell him "He stopped using the litter box." I tell him "He wasn't the same Merlin for some time."

I want to move on because I can't stand feeling this way. I can't stand being this raw. I can't grieve because if I grieve, it'll set Teach off again and I can't deal with that. His sobbing is heart-breaking.

I have never felt so helpless in my entire life.

Smile, tho' your heart is breaking

"Any decision you make, good or bad, will involve guilt to some degree." - My mom.

"You made the right decisions. Put that question out of your mind." - the vet.

"What have I done?" - Teach

"What have I done?" - Me


He fought. He didn't go quietly and peacefully. He fought.


We murdered our cat.

I'm so sorry, Baby Boy. I'm so sorry.

Losing the fight

It looks like we may lose Merlin this weekend. We have been feeding him meat baby food for the last week and it appeared that he had been eating it, but now we think Isabella may have been finishing it off for him.

He lives under the bed, only coming out at night to use the bathroom - not always in the litter box and not always in the actual bathroom. He is very weak and frail and seems to be having trouble working his hind legs. When I pulled him out from under the bed last night and tried to pick him up, he cried. Not a "hissed-I'm pissed-leave me alone!" cry but more of a "please don't touch me, that really hurts" cry.

Teach got home today and found the same thing. Merlin won't come out and keeps inching under the bed further and further. We have dinner in the city with his family tonight and tomorrow and our vet isn't in on Saturdays. I would prefer that she be the one to do it, as she has been his vet for such a long time.

We tried, we really did. I tried to give him his medication every day - he just hates it so much, it's so hard to do it to him. And then we added more medication and it has just made him so upset. And, honestly, I just can't do it any more. It breaks my heart to feel him struggle when I'm holding him. He's so frail and bony. His bones pop when I pick him up and I can count his vertebrae.

And we tried the baby food, which he'll eat, but it doesn't seem to do any good, especially if Isabella is sneaking under the bed and eating his food when we aren't there.

I always thought that as long as he still purred, he was okay. But that's really all that's left of him. His green eyes and his purr. He seems miserable. And so are we.

I try to tell myself that I didn't fail him, but there's a part of me that thinks I did.

I Cheated

I cheated. I’d like to say it wasn’t planned and it just happened, but I can’t. I planned it in such a way that it would appear to be impulsive, that it appeared to “just happen”, as if I was powerless to prevent it. I came up with hundreds of justifications for it including (but not limited to): “I’ve been under a lot of stress lately.” and “I just couldn’t take it anymore!” I cheated. And I feel terrible. And yet…

I also feel exhilarated. Ecstatic. Invigorated. I feel like I have a new lease on life, that anything is possible. That Merlin will live for another 5 years; I’ll lose 30 pounds, even while pregnant with twins (who will be adorable red-haired girls); I’ll quit my job because I’ve been offered a plum role on Broadway…the impossible with become possible and the implausible will become plausible. All because I cheated!

Who knew a haircut could be so empowering?

(evil grin)

Yes, I cheated. I cheated on my hairdresser. Honestly, I love my hairdresser. She did my hair for my wedding. She’s great. She’s also ridiculously expensive. $55 for a cut, not including tip. I haven’t cut my hair since June and it was in really bad shape. Split ends upon split ends. I broke down. I had to cut it. I figured I’d just run into one of the places at the mall while Teach was getting a massage and just have someone take off an inch or so all the way around. I figured $25 for a trim was better than $65-70. And besides, just a trim isn’t really cheating, is it?

So, I go. They take me right away. The hairdresser tut-tuts over my damaged hair, fusses at me for coloring my hair to the ends when I only need to color the roots, and then suggests layers. (At least, I think she did all that. I only understood every fifth word or so – I really need to learn Spanish!)

I panicked. Layers? Really? I once had a terrible experience with layers. And my normal (expensive, but great) stylist always steered me away from layers. And layering is so much more than just a trim. That’s the difference between a cup of coffee and dinner on the cheating scale. A trim can be justified…

But here I can say I was truly impulsive. Layers? Heck, why not. In for a penny, in for a pound. It’s just hair, after all. It’ll grow back.

So, I watched with trepidation as she started cutting. And cutting. And cutting. I could tell that the snarls were falling to the floor and my hair was feeling lighter. When she was done, my hair actually had some movement. It was pretty exciting. However, I wouldn’t discover just how exciting until much later.

I paid and left to meet up with Teach. He told me it looked good and asked me if I liked it. I said I thought I did but I’d have to wait until I got home and futzed with it myself. He noticed that all the dead ends were gone and it looked healthier. (Mixed blessing that he notices things like this).

When we got home, I spent some time in front of the mirror examining my hair. I couldn’t decide if I liked it or not. She cut it with a middle part but I wear my hair with a side part. When I parted it on the side, the other side looked all uneven and choppy. The bottom layer was much longer than the top layer and it looked kinda weird. I wasn’t sure if I liked it or not.

But then I had an idea (I get those occasionally) and grabbed my huge barreled curling iron (which I haven’t used in ages) and started curling all the ends. Voila! Suddenly my kinda weird haircut became my most favorite haircut ever! It bounced, it swinged, it framed my face, and it was fabulous! And then I discovered even more exciting things about it. Now that my hair is layered and not all one length, I don’t have as much anymore. That means I can actually put it in a nice French braid, without killing my head or having to bail at the nape of my neck because I have more hair in my hands than I can handle. And, even better, I can wear pigtails and (the best of all) I can wear braids like Pobble. Oh happy day!

But now my cheating has taken on a whole new dimension. It’s one thing to cheat a little out of necessity and swear to never go back. It’s another thing to cheat and fall in love. I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to do now. Except enjoy my hair and worry about my next cut when I actually need it.

Oh, and the kicker? This great hair cut only cost me $21. And that was with the tip!

Feeding a Finicky Feline

Ah, the things we do for love...

1st Attempt:
1. Open designated cat food cabinet.
2. Choose a can of cat food.
3. Place food in dish.
4. Place dish on floor.
5. Watch cat sniff disdainfully and walk away.

2nd Attempt:
1. Open designated cat food cabinet.
2. Choose a different flavor and brand of cat food.
3. Notice food is a chunky variety.
4. Place food in mini blender/chopper/mixer.
5. Puree cat food until consistency of thick soup.
6. Scrape cat food soup into another dish.
7. Place dish on floor.
8. Watch cat sniff disdainfully and walk away.

3rd Attempt:
1. Open refrigerator.
2. Remove minimally processed (no nitrates added) sliced turkey breast.
3. Take out two pieces of said turkey breast.
4. Sit on floor, tear turkey into bits and attempt to hand feed turkey to cat.
5. Watch cat sniff disdainfully and walk away.

4th Attempt:
1. Open freezer.
2. Remove 1 frozen (and Food Savered) slice of salmon filet.
3. Defrost then cook salmon in microwave.
4. Cut salmon into small (very small) chunks.
5. Place chopped up salmon on a plate.
6. Place plate on floor.
7. Watch cat sniff disdainfully and walk way.

5th Attempt:
1. Open freezer.
2. Remove 1 frozen (and Food Savered) chicken breast tender.
3. Defrost chicken in microwave.
4. Grill chicken on Foreman Grill.
5. Chop up chicken into very fine bits using the mini blender/chopper/mixer.
6. Place chopped up chicken in yet another dish.
7. Place dish on floor.
8. Watch cat sniff disdainfully, look up mournfully, retreat under bed.

6th Attempt:
1. Open people food cabinet.
2. Remove can of tuna.
3. Place tuna in mini blender/chopper/mixer.
4. Puree into tuna soup.
5. Place tuna soup into still another bowl.
6. Place bowl on paper plate.
7. Place bowl and paper plate under the bed.
8. Listen to cat chow down the tuna.
9. Rush around and getready for work.
10. Remember, two hours later while sitting at office desk, that you forgot to remove the bowl of tuna from under the bed.
11. Come home 9 hours later and discover your bedroom now smells like tuna.