Is you is...

I currently have no creative outlet in my life and it is really rather frustrating. I’m not a writer by any stretch of the imagination. Yeah, so I majored in English with an emphasis on writing when I was an undergrad. I wrote one decent story during my 4 years in college. Okay, really only half a decent story. I ran out of steam towards the end and never finished it off, much to the disappointment of my professor. The first half of it was actually pretty good. I’ll have to see if I can find it and ship it up to the Pobble. Maybe she can finish it for me.

While in college, I took a course with a visiting poet. My attempts at poetry were laughable. I met with poet’s block at every turn and I don’t think I ever turned anything in. One day the professor finally asked me why I was in the class if I hated writing poetry so much. I told him honestly that I needed the course for my degree. He ended up assigning me an expository writing piece on something I loved. At that time, I loved dancing (and a sophomore English/Theater major who is now married with two children, but that’s another story).

So, here I am in New York, the Cultural Mecca of America. And I have no creative outlet in my life. I used to be an actress. I went to graduate school for acting. I was pretty damn good, too. And then reality hit once I moved up here. I didn’t have the fortitude to go out on auditions every single day. Nor did I have the money to take classes all over the city in order to make connections. I had student loans to pay, I had rent to pay. I found a “real” job that paid me enough to cover all my bills but I actually had to go to work everyday. In by 8:30am. Out by 5:00pm. 5 days a week. Yeah, a “real” job all right. A soul-sucking, creativity-stifling, coma-inducing job. So I finally had the money to pay for my acting classes but I no longer had the time. I also had security. And so I stayed in the job for 6 years too long. And every year, a fresh batch of just-out-of-school actor/waitress/wannabes came to New York and managed to make their mark and I quit going on auditions.

I haven’t been on an audition in over 5 years. I’m still paying on the student loans that got me the MFA in Acting and I’m not using what I learned. In fact, I’ve probably forgotten everything I learned. I was never comfortable with showing emotion on stage. (not a good thing when one is an actor) and I worked hard during my three years to be able to do that. I keep everything wrapped up so tightly in my “real” life that it almost shattered me when I had to unwind for class. But by the time the three years were over, I trusted everyone in my class in a way that I’ve never trusted anyone before. I couldn’t stand several of the people and have not gone out of my way to find them since we all graduated, but I trusted them on stage. I trusted each and every one of them to give back to me what I was giving to them. I have never felt that exposed or that safe again. And it was such amazing freedom.

I could never let myself go when I auditioned in NY. Don’t get me wrong, I did three shows before I called it quits. I even got a line in a review that was decent. But I didn’t trust anyone I was working with. Two of the shows were with a director from my MFA class. I’d do anything for him but he doesn’t direct a whole lot any more and, even if he did, he wouldn’t/couldn’t use me because I can’t Act the same anymore. I’ve lost all my training. And my confidence.

*sigh*

But at least I still dance, although I won’t be taking dance lessons this fall, more’s the pity. Perhaps if I have a night off, I’ll be able to take a class here or there. If all else fails, I’ll put in a cd (no Ipod, remember?) grab the headphones and dance as if no one is watching. And I’ll dance with Merlin and Isabella to “Is You Is or Is You Ain’t My Baby” by Joe Williams. And I’ll remember how I was when I first moved to NYC over 8years ago and maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to channel a little bit of that fearless woman and bring some creativity back into my life.

And won’t that be a joyous day?