Where Am I?

My BF got an email the other day from his high school girlfriend. He hasn't spoken to her in over 15 years (although he has spoke OF her several times in the 8 years we've been together). She's married with two kids and was a lawyer but is now a SAHM and just dropped him a note asking how he was doing. He's not entirely sure what he's going to do about it. High school was a lifetime ago and the person he is now is not the person he was then. Let's face it; if he and I met when we were in high school, there is no effing way we'd ever be together - no matter how much opposites attract!

So what's the problem?

No real problem. I'm not jealous in the least but he's now in a kind of funk. And honestly, haven't we all been there? You find out something about someone from your past and suddenly you question every decision you have ever made since the last time you saw that person. I can't even begin to count how many times that has happened to me.

Every guy I ever dated before this one is now married. At least three of them have children and (from the outside looking in) they are all doing better than me. The heartbreaker is living in CA, married to an ice skater with the most adorable baby boy imaginable. The never-leaving-the-'burg guy is (as far as I know) still married with at least one child. Probably by now has 2 if not more. I expect he's still an engineer. The never-gave-a-chance guy is married, has a daughter, and is a director/adjunct professor at a college in VA.

And where am I?

This is where I start to get into a funk. What have I done with my life that compares to these guys? But, after eating a bowl of cookie-dough and moping around for a bit, I force myself to stop and really take a look at my life.

So I'm not married. Who cares? I've been dating the same guy for 8 years - living together for 7 - and we may as well be married. We just don't have the piece of paper from the state validating our relationship. Now, as we are getting older, we are realizing that this "piece of paper" is pretty important if something should happen to either one of us. Who should make medical decisions for the other? Parents who live a thousand miles away or a partner? What happens to me if something happens to him? Questions like that are starting to hit home so now we're talking about marriage. Slight problem - he's Jewish and I'm not. I'm now taking a class with an eye toward converting.

So we don't have children. Who cares? We will have children when we're ready for them. What we do have are two cats we love beyond words, which we rescued from hard lives and almost certain death. They have enriched our lives immeasurably. The one we lost two years ago taught us that the quality of time spent is far better than the quantity.

So I'm not a famous star. Who cares? I found that once I believed and trusted myself, I no longer needed approval from anyone else. Yes, I do miss acting but the acting I miss I won't find again. I miss acting in Grad School, with a director that pushed me harder than I thought possible and with people I knew and trusted. I miss acting at the FAC (which no longer exists) because it was just so much FUN! Perhaps once I leave NY and all the "actors" here, I'll find a niche in a fun community theatre again.

So I don't have a high-powered career. Who cares? Right now I don't have any career. I'm starting a new job in three days and I have no idea what it'll be like. I don't even know what I'll be doing. I'm just so thrilled that the office is 1.5 miles from my house. If nothing else, my quality of living just shot up. No more commuting to NYC. I've just knocked 30-45 minutes off my commute. That's 1-1.5 hours off my day. I'm giddy just thinking what that extra hour means in terms of getting "stuff" done. I'll have time to play with Isabella in the morning - no more feeling guilty leaving her sitting on her perch, tail half pouffed, waiting for me to throw a cat toy to her. I'll have time to actually eat breakfast before leaving the house. I'll have more time in the evening to read a book or exercise. The possibilities are endless.

It doesn't make sense to be upset that I'm not a lawyer or a doctor or a chef or a broker. I never wanted to be any of those things to begin with. I have an insurance license but I don't ever want to actually sell insurance. Everyone says I'd make a great teacher (at least those who don't know me REALLY well - Pobble will probably snort coffee through her nose when she reads that) but I have never EVER wanted to be a teacher. That's a calling I just don't have.

So what have I done with my life? I went to graduate school and moved to the "Big City." No, I never lived the "Sex in the City" lifestyle but, to be honest, that just isn't me. No, I don't have a huge circle of friends but I'm thankful for the amazing friends I do have, even though I don't see them nearly as often as I would like. I've done amazing things - like Trapeze School and I was in a show when I first moved up here that was reviewed in BackStage and I got a complimentary line written about me. That's great! I'm taking an incredible class on Judaism that I love and I've volunteered at Recording for the Blind and Dyslexic recording books onto CDs.

Yeah, there are things I'd like to change in my life and they are all things that can be changed if I just work at it a bit. But doesn't everyone have things they'd like to change here and there?

I'm not the person I was when those people from the past knew me. Just like I won't be the person I am now in 15 years. To be in a funk about what I think someone else will think my life should be completely devalues what my life actually is. I'm blessed. And that knowledge does more for me than any amount of raw cookie dough!